In a far away land, President Justine has continued leading her citizens in changing their life styles to combat climate change. She has introduced a carbon tax to discourage people from travelling by automobile, airplane and bus; this also discourages them from using oil and natural gas for heating their homes. Another idea she has suggested is eating insects in place of meat because meat production uses more resources than insect production. Here is a recent interview of Justine by Rax Murky from Newfoundland.
Rax: President Justine, I understand that in addition to advocating that Canadians eat insects in place of meat, you are working to phase out the cattle industry. Is this true?
Justine: Well Rax the cattle industry in Canada has served us for many, many years and paid great dividends to our family trust. Now that we have divested our shares in companies like Canada Rackers, it’s hard to encourage Canadians to eat beef. My other concern is that beef is a key part of the Alberta economy and we can’t do anything to help the Albertans now, can we? After all they keep telling me to keep out of their provincial affairs. Don’t you think that I should be interested in provincial affairs especially when I can block the sale of Alberta crude and natural gas to eastern Canada and overseas markets. If you need help with answering this question, take a ride up the CN Tower and ask my trusted advisor, Stepon Gilbonk.
Rax: I’ve heard that you are supporting a new business interest of multi-billionaire Gill Bates in which he is taking over American ranches to lay them fallow and start selling synthetic beef that is produced in factory scaled laboratories. Is this true?
Justine: Let me tell you about truth. It’s actually an archaic concept that my father tried to eliminate years ago. He wasn’t able to eliminate it entirely from the mainstream media, so I’ve reached out and convinced the newspapers and broadcasters to suppress the truth wherever it raises its ugly head. Let me give you an example- just recently they have released data from some political polls showing that my Literal Party is trailing the Conservers by 20 to 30 percent. Just watch me increase the grant to the GBC (Great Big Corporation) and then you’ll see the spread disappear.
Justine: Oh yes. You asked about synthetic meat. This is obviously the way to go to feed the masses. It’s perfect. It will be a major employer because it will require hordes of workers to operate the mega-Petri Dishes and will require huge subsidies from our Literal government. This industry will be fully under my control through subsidies and taxation.
Rax: There is a news report out of the BC interior saying that Dan and Art have made a huge investment in this synthetic beef and are ready to exploit it well ahead of Gill Bates and your family trust. They have developed synthetic beef factories that the require almost no maintenance and can operate without Literal Party subsidies. There is also a rumour that they are on the verge of announcing an automated system of building more synthetic beef factories. And they will create these new factories without any federal subsidies or new regulations.
Justine: That’s just not credible. For the last nine years, we’ve done everything possible to ensure that all progress and money goes through the hands of the Literal government. It’s not possible for two guys to create an industry that doesn’t depend on our handouts. Moreover, it’s inconceivable that anyone could create a thriving new industry without my approval.
Rax: Did I say that they were starting a new industry? I must have miss-spoken. Look, here comes one of those synthetic beef factories now.
In fact, it looks like it has a new branch plant beside it.
Rax: Aren’t these beef factories wonderful? They can build new beef factories in nine months without any government subsidies, and they don’t even require extensive planning or a horde of permits. All we have to do is stay out of their way and they will make all sorts of synthetic beef and build more beef factories.
Justine: I don’t know what to say.
Rax: That’s okay. It’s acceptable to be honest every once in while.
Rax: In addition, did you know that these beef factories can take ordinary vegetation and turn it into fossil fuel? Unlike the jets that you ride around in, they are net producers of a gas called methane.
Justine goes running off calling: Christian Freeload! Christian Freeload! Quick, we have to introduce new legislation.
Freeload: What do you mean by new legislation?
Justine: We have to draw up legislation that mandates methane gas collection diapers for all beef cattle. That ought to handicap the beef industry enough to cripple the Alberta economy. Brilliant don’t you think?
Justine, looking over her shoulder: Who are those guys passing us on horses?
Although I would have used their real names:)
Brilliant